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Sunday, June 26, 2011

Sorry For Feeling The Way Im Feeling

Helooo there, lovely readers;

I havent been updating as much lately as I've been pretty packed with assignment due dates etc.

I just wanted to blog about my raw feelings. Its pretty rare that I blog about my personal life but I guess I want to show my readers a different side of me, so they would understand how im feeling and the reason behind why I've been ranting the F word on twitter lately. 

If youre following me on Twitter, you would most probably know I've been hatin' on my Dad
I dont want to be one of those person who uses F word in almost every sentence in a tweet. But sometimes, i cant help it with the rage in me.

   Yesterday, the emotions hit me again. I went down to have some fresh air- to try to be able to breathe. I cried my eyes out for at least an hour. Resulted in waking up with a pair of mashimaro's eyes this morning.
It was all the 'little things' that had accumulated inside- waiting to burst out.
Main Factor; Dad. The person who contributed in bringing me into this world.
All his little rude replies, selfish acts and annoying gestures. I dont know where to start on the negative things about Dad but I can sum it up to > Hell. *AllAmericanRejects; Gives You Hell*
He either will be laughing or he will be all up in your face shouting at you. S o b e r. And I cant state every little annoying thing thing he does but I can tell you straightup that he is not a real man.
One is not a real man if they hit a woman - agree?

   This year, I feel like I've been struggling even harder just to tolerate Dad. I find it alot to take at times. Thus, turning to my bestie which can hardly get phone time with her cause of the situation between me and her mom. Sometimes, i feel so alone and helpless going through this. And at times, I would shut these feelings out with my druggies(tvshows&movies). I mean how long could I go on, hiding it all inside?
I would say Im a pretty strong girl. I face hardships pretty well (i guess). But this seems to be like a daily struggle i have to go thru.
As any average student, I focus my attention on my books when I need to. Thankgod, it hasnt affected me in that way. But why do I feel like its another thing I have to struggle with, other than my books?!
I just realized recently, Im probably one of those 'kids' that is so messed up cause of their family situation at home. The thought of growing up faster so I could move outtve this house, feels like its going to take almost forever. 
Most of my rebels were probably a reaction to that.

Sometimes, I wish my parents were divorced. Hrm, the D word. A huge negativity in Christianity. It might seem the most selfish feeling but Im pretty sure, im not the only one disiring the outcome of it.
I prayed to God and apologize to Him for feeling, how Im feeling.

How could I be 'wishing' for something so dark for my family when other people that doesnt have what I have (a whole family) prays and ask for it?

Dont get me wrong, I my Mum to death. Shes the best mom she could ever be to me. Put aside all her bitchy PMSy moods and shes just the best! One day, I want to be like a mother just like her, But a little cooler ;)
She gives us the best and I do every little thing I can to show that i appreciate her. I Hug Mum (very tightly) uncountable times a day cause Im still her "Baby".

I dont know If my rantings on this post have just made you think whathehellwasitalkingabout or whathehelliswrongwithme. But I guess I feel a little lighter saying how I feel.
It might not be the best idea, as it is in writting and my to the Public.

To Mum / Dad, if you happen to found my blog and stumble upon this personal post and youre reading this, Dont confront me about it cause you would make me feel ASDFGHJKL. In reaction, you should get a good mirror to reflect yourself.

Dont judge cause you might not know me well enough or to understand what im going through.

He will never change.
God, Pls hold my hand and walk me through this, I pray. Amen.

P/S; I was once a daddy's little girl .

♥s Mermaid;

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